The End and the Beginning

By Nomi

"Dammit, Sam!"

I could hear Toby's voice reverberating down the corridors of the Bartlet Transition Team office suite. I wasn't quite sure what specific offense Toby was screaming at me for this time, but I was completely sure that I didn't want to know. I thought I heard footsteps approaching down the hallway, so I ducked into the closest hiding place - a crowded storage room. I wasn't really in the mood to talk to anyone right now.

It wasn't just Toby who was yelling that week. We were all on edge - CJ, Josh, Leo, even Donna was snapping at people - 'cause we'd just figured out that now that we'd been elected...Sorry - Now that Governor Bartlet had been elected - we were going to be expected to actually run the country. We'd ignored this fact from the first week of November through the New Year. But now we were in the first week of January, and the pressure was on.

I was scared shitless by what was ahead of us, but that wasn't the only stressor in my life.

"Sam...SAM! Dammit! Where the Hell are you?" Toby bellowed again.

I figured it was something work-related that Toby wanted to tear me a new one over, but I couldn't be sure.

After all, things between us had been going to Hell in a hand basket for close to a month now. Ever since I realized I was fooling myself...and using Toby.

Not like he wasn't using me, as well, but I felt really bad about it...and I wasn't sure he did.

I heard footsteps approaching and I looked around the crowded storage area to see where I could hide. The door opened just as I realized there was nowhere for me to go.

"Sam? You in here?" A face peeked around the edge of the doorjamb.

I breathed a sigh of relief when I realized that it wasn't Toby. But then I realized that my savior was Josh.

Josh is my best friend. He's the brains behind the organization that is Josh-and-Sam. I have almost no secrets from Josh. But...and this is a big but...I have one secret that could kill our friendship.

Belay that. I have _two_ secrets that could damage our friendship, but only one that could be fatal to it.

The first secret is that I'm in a relationship I can't tell him about. It would hurt him to know that I held back information from him, but I think he might eventually get over that. Even if he found out who I was sleeping with, I think he'd get over it. He'd probably be surprised that I was fucking Toby (actually, to be precise, that Toby is fucking me), but it would surprise me if Josh - being liberal and open-minded - couldn't eventually get his brain around the info. And he might take a while to work through it, but he'd come through on the other side and have no problem with it.

My potentially friendship-killing secret, however...now that one would blow Josh's mind.

Oh, God. I shouldn't use "blow" and "Josh" in the same thought...

Anyway, the deadly secret is...I am in love with Josh Lyman. Brash, intelligent, headstrong, gorgeous, magnificent Josh Lyman. The wunderkind. The smartest man I've ever known.

The straightest man on the face of the planet.

I want him buried so deep inside of me that we can't tell where he ends and I begin. I unintentionally let out a soft moan.

"Sam? You OK?" Josh's voice broke into my thoughts.

I could feel the heat climbing up my face, but I hoped Josh didn't notice. "Yeah, Josh. I'm fine. Just hiding from Toby."

"What'cha do now?" Yeah, that's typical Josh, jokingly assuming I'm at fault...or, at least, I hope he's joking when he does that.

"I don't think I did anything." OK, so that's another lie. I know exactly what I did to tick Toby off this time. But I'd rather be nibbled to death by ducks than admit my crime to Josh.

'Cause at least part of Toby's current mood stems from something I did last night. Something unforgivable. Something I feel intensely guilty for.

I called out a name other than Toby's when I came last night.

Even worse, I called out _Josh's_ name. At the peak of my orgasm. In between the words "oh, God" and "yes."

And I didn't even realize at the time that I had done so. It was feeling Toby freeze up totally, feeling him lose his hard-on and slip from inside me, that clued me in that something was off-kilter.

When I finally figured it out - 'cause Toby sure as Hell wasn't gonna tell me anything - I was horrified. Mostly because now Toby was going to know of my feelings for Josh.

And it's not like he's free and clear - it took me a while to realize it, but "Andy" is really "Andi" - Toby's ex-wife. So all that sitting and talking to me about how he still remembers how wonderful with Andi...it wasn't him telling me about a long-ago relationship with another guy; he was extolling the virtues of his ex-wife.

They've been broken up now - divorced, even - for I-have- no-idea-how-long, yet he still wears his wedding band. I thought Toby was a widower. I figured he was a widower who had lost his wife at a young age and wasn't ready to commit to another woman.

Then I met Congresswoman Wyatt at the victory party. Toby introduced her as "Congresswoman Wyatt," no first name, and told me they were once married. She said, "Call me Andi," and that's when I put it all together.

The night of the Illinois primary, that wonderful/horrible night, the night Josh headed home for his father's funeral, was the first time Toby fucked me. I was so high on the victory, so keyed-up, I would've fucked anyone. And I was so devastated that Josh was gone. I'd become dependent on seeing him every day. I was looking for solace and thought I'd have a chance to bed Donna that night. Not that I'd ever tell her that, especially not now. But Toby got drunk and came on to me, and I followed through with him. And suddenly we were a couple. Not that anyone could know...not that anyone would know. That was part of the deal - this was to be a totally physical, and completely secret, relationship.

But then something changed. It became an emotional relationship, and not in a good way. It took a while for me to notice...

"Uh, Sam?"

A voice brought me back from my thoughts of the past. Right...I wasn't alone.

"Yeah, Josh?"

"You sure you're OK?" He sounded so concerned.

"I'm fine. I'm just...avoiding confrontation today. I figure it'll be best this way." There - that was a nice, neutral answer.

"You and Toby gonna be avoiding each other for four years? 'Cause he's your boss now, remember?" Josh peered at me.

"Yeah...I know...I think we'll work it all out. But we're all on edge right now, right? Toby and I will find a way to be civil." I hoped.

"So you're OK?" Josh asked again.

"Yeah, Josh, I'm _fine_. I just need to give Toby time to calm down. Then I'll go find him and talk to him. I promise."

"OK," Josh said somewhat dubiously. "I'll be in what's passing for my office if you want to talk." With a last look at me, Josh turned and headed back to his closet-slash- office.

As he left, I released a breath I hadn't realized I'd been holding. I get so tense around Josh; it's been this way since I realized just how I felt about him. And he gets to deal with the fallout, even though my feelings are in no way his responsibility.

He was right about one thing, though - Toby and I were going to have to find a way to work together civilly. It wasn't going to be easy - Hell, I wasn't even sure it was going to be possible - but we'd have to do it...for the good of the country.

Damn, that sounded pompous...But it struck me - it was somewhat true. If Toby and I couldn't find a way to work together, we'd be stomping on each other's territory right and left, and we wouldn't be able to give President Bartlet (wow - that sounded so weird) the support he needed from us. We'd be letting down not only the President, but Leo, CJ, the whole staff.

I'd be letting Josh down.

So even if I wasn't man enough to face my probably-soon- to-be-ex lover for my own sake, I'd face him for Josh's.

Even though Josh would never know.

***

I walked from my storage closet hiding place to meet with Toby, knowing that if I didn't talk to him now and get everything squared away, two things would happen: first, I'd chicken out and avoid the conflict, which is how I tend to deal with difficult interpersonal issues. This would lead to the second occurrence - I'd cause myself lovely stress headaches like the ones I got in law school. Wishing greatly to avoid the second outcome (though writhing on the floor grasping my head and squeezing my eyes closed against the light would definitely get Josh's attention), I decided I had to go talk to Toby.

I found him in the reception area of the office suite we were using as transition headquarters. It sounded much more impressive than it was - in truth, it was a 4-room suite in an office complex in Beltsville. The location wasn't the greatest, but the building was owned by some former Labor Department crony of Leo's, and we got it for not too high a rent, so Governor Bartlet didn't feel like we were cheating the American public. There was no way I could go back to what was passing as the Communications office - a tiny area currently being shared by CJ, Toby and me - without walking past Toby. And I wouldn't put it past Toby to start a fight in the middle of the hallway. So as soon as I spotted him and he'd spotted me, I said, "Not here" and brushed past him into our office.

CJ was going through a pile of resumes, attempting to find an appropriate assistant, when I walked in. She sat up, took one look at me, and said, "I'm going to go talk to Donna."

Exit CJ, stage right.

Great...now I was just a sitting duck, waiting for Toby to show up. I started running through possible conversational scenarios, but none of them had any merit.

About 2 minutes after I entered the office, Toby came in and slammed the door.

"OK, Sam...what was so fucking important that we had to do this right now."

"T," I started, automatically using my nickname for him.

"Don't call me that here," Toby said forcefully.

"Toby," I started again, suddenly even more aware of my speech patterns than usual. "I...we..."

"And _you're_ our crack speechwriter? We're in for a great four years, aren't we?" Toby was determined not to make this easy for me.

"Toby, please. Can't you control the sarcasm for just a sec?"

"Sam..." Toby's tone contained a warning.

"Toby, we've got to find a way to do this...to work together civilly. We're gonna be in each other's back pockets day in and day out, and it's gonna affect everyone if we're sniping at each other. I can't take back..." I stopped. I wasn't sure I wanted to get into specific offenses at this time. But the conversational door had been opened, and Toby walked right through.

"You can't take back calling out someone else's name while I'm fucking you senseless? You can't take back the snide reminders that I've still got a thing for my ex-wife? You can't take back your Princeton-educated smarter-than-the- CCNY-grad attitude? You can't..." Toby's rant suddenly ran out of steam.

"Look, Toby, Josh..."

Immediately, Toby found his second wind. "You'd mention him _now_? _Him_? You are one dumb fuck sometimes, you know that, kid?"

OK, now I was pissed. "_Don't_ call me 'kid'. Or 'Sammy'. Or 'Skippy', or any other damn diminutive you use to make yourself feel superior to me. You want me to say it? OK, I'll say it. I'm sorry I don't love you. I feel deeply for you. I respect you and I think you're the best writer I've ever come across. You're so steeped in doing what's right that you miss opportunities that would allow you to step on the little guy to get ahead. I respect that immensely. But I don't love you, and you don't love me. We went into this _knowing_ that we were using each other. We went into this with open eyes. Why are you punishing me?" My voice had been rising in volume as I spoke; by the end, I was shouting.

"Sh...Sam, calm down," Toby said in too-reasonable a voice. "The whole office will hear."

"So what?" I bellowed.

"So we don't need that right now," Toby said, still being reasonable. "What we need now is to get Governor Bartlet into the White House without any missteps. We're 90 percent there. We just have to get through the next two weeks, until the inauguration."

I heard the unstated "without killing each other."

Toby continued. "So what we need to do is come to an agreement as to what is and what isn't appropriate office behavior."

"Agreement? Did you say 'agreement'?" I asked, only slightly belligerently. "As in, you present your ideas, I present mine, and we come to a mutually satisfactory arrangement? _That_ would be new and different."

"Sam," Toby said, sounding slightly exasperated, "come on. You're exaggerating just a bit, don't you think?"

"Honestly, Toby? No. You've been telling me what to do, second-guessing every decision I make, and belittling my decisions in front of everyone for weeks. The perception around here is that you don't trust me and therefore no one else should, either. I can't work this way, and I don't think it's going to get any better, especially if we let our personal life - such as it is - interfere."

Toby looked flabbergasted; I didn't think I'd ever seen him look that way at me before. "People think I don't trust you? Where'd _that_ come from?"

"Do you want it chronologically or in order of magnitude?" I asked, no longer attempting to keep the hurt out of my tone.

Toby's expression barely wavered, but I knew I'd hurt him. Maybe I _was_ being a bit harsh, but he'd been riding me since the election about "staying on message." Despite the knowledge that my anger was justified, I tried to soothe any ruffled feathers.

"T...Toby, look. We knew that things were going to have to change before we took office." We'd all gotten into the habit of referring to this as "our" administration, as if we were all about to work in the Oval. And, in a way, we were. "I wish it could be painless, but..." and here I was treading on dangerous territory, "...we're not always the easiest people to work with."

At Toby's nod, I knew that I'd gotten through to him.

"You know I'm gonna be on your ass the minute you screw up, don't you?" Toby asked me.

"That assumes I'm gonna screw up," I replied, squelching my desire to remark that better he be _on_ my ass than in it.

"Oh, you will, Sam," Toby said confidently. "We all will. We just need time."

"You're not inspiring confidence here, Toby," I said.

"Sorry, k-- Sam," he replied.

A comfortable silence settled over the office while we contemplated our new reality.

Finally, I spoke again.

"Now what?" I asked.

"Now you go start writing the Inaugural Address. I go back to finding us some support staff," Toby replied.

"Huh?" I asked, displaying my Princeton education to its fullest.

"Which part made no sense?" Toby asked with what, on any other person, I'd call a grin.

"I'm writing the Inaugural Address? While you interview secretary-wannabes?"

"They're support staff, Sam, and they're more valuable than any of us are. Don't you know that the support staff can make or break any office?" I couldn't tell if Toby was joking; I assumed not, for my own sanity. "It's vital that we get smart, competent staff in this office, and I will not let the decision rest in somebody else's hands."

Ah...OK. Toby-the-control-freak I could understand.

"So, we're OK here?" Toby asked.

I thought a minute. "Yeah," I responded finally. "We're OK."

With a final growl for me to buckle down and focus on the Inaugural, Toby turned and left the office.

For just a minute, I sat in my desk chair, contemplating the universe and my new place in it. But I quickly grew restless. I rose from my chair, needing to move, needing to be active. I paced the perimeter of our cramped office, maneuvering around the desks and chairs and boxes of books and papers. I was suddenly feeling hemmed in. I needed to get out of our office, so I grabbed a random file folder and headed back toward the main corridor.

Now I had to decide what to do next. My most basic instincts were telling me to head toward Josh's office. He'd know how to fit things into my new reality. And - if nothing else - I could harass Donna for a bit, just for fun. There's something...disturbing, I guess, about Donna's relationship with Josh. I can't put my finger on what it is that bothers me, but I always have this feeling that she has a proprietary interest in him.

Our Transition Office suite was so small that I had barely finished collecting my thoughts by the time I got to Josh's office. His office is even smaller than the Communications office, and he has to share it with Donna and all of the random crap that no one else would claim when we moved in here. I stood in his office door, barely able to see him over the piles of boxes surrounding his desk.

Finally he must have sensed my presence, 'cause he looked up. When he spotted me, he grinned, showing his dimples. I immediately felt my body react. He has some power over me that I don't understand and that I'm afraid to analyze. It's not even anything he does deliberately. All I have to do is think of him and I get hard. This can be quite complicated when we're in meetings. And it's been this way for almost as long as we've known each other.

"Sam?" Josh looked at me, concern obvious in his eyes. "Did you talk to Toby?"

"Yeah," I said.

"And?"

"We're OK." That was about as explicit as I could get. "We're going to work on an 'agreement' to find a way to work together peacefully."

"Good," Josh said. "I was worried about you."

"Don't worry," I said, touched by his concern. "We'll be fine. It's gonna take us a while to figure out the plan, but it'll work. Just watch - come the inauguration, all will be well."

Josh looked skeptical, but he didn't argue with me.

"You know I'm here if you ever need to talk...to tell me what you're not saying right now," Josh said.

"Yeah, I know," I replied.

"Now go away. I have a very important decision to make."

"What's that?" I asked.

"Tuna or chicken salad for lunch..." He paused. "On second thought," he said, "wanna join me?" Josh grinned at me again.

"Sure," I said. How could I say no?

All in all, I figured, we'd make it through. It's a cliche, but it's true - life is one long adventure, and a new chapter was about to start.

I couldn't wait to see where we would end up.

---END---